Coat, a story of renewal

 Everyday, I walk alone. I wear my loneliness like a coat. I am dull, out of it, hopeless and deeply unhappy.

 Yes, I walk around everyday. I show up in places where people expect me to be. I clock in and clock out and eat lunch and drive my car and go to sleep. I make coffee for one and dream of the day when I make it for two. But I know my dream is a foolish one, because deep down, I truly believe that day will never come.

 I am sad, cynical and lonely.

 The worst part is, I know that it is my own doing. I may blame the people around me - the ones that I make myself believe don't care or the ones that have left. But it is me who has brought these dark clouds of uncertainty and fear upon my own life.

 I have brought myself here... and dare I say it? I have kept myself here.

 I say I want to be free. Free of feeling alone everywhere I go, no matter who I'm with. Free of making myself look good, only to get in the car and cry all the makeup off before I even arrive. Free of only having negative and disbelieving thoughts when in the presence of the Holy Spirit. Free of feeling the false warmth of my coat of loneliness.

 But the truth is, I don't want to be free. I have made myself at home in the coat of loneliness. It's all I wear everyday, even when I know it's far too hot to wear a coat. Even when someone offers to hang it up in the closet, I refuse; I keep it on, I cling to it...

 

 If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. ...Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire and idolatry. On account of these the wrath of God is coming. In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. But now, you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander and obscene talk from your mouth.

 ..You have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its Creator... Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness and patience, bearing with one another, forgiving each other, as the Lord has forgiven you. {Colossians 3: 1-2, 5-10, 12 & 13}

  I've tried so many things to get rid of this coat of loneliness. I've changed the buttons, rolled up the sleeves, put the hood on, added a scarf. Nothing is working. Nothing satisfies. None of it gives me any hope that, maybe someday, I will feel okay again.

 

 I am broken, just like the glass I've shattered on the floor. And somehow, I don't realize, that You are all I'm looking for.

 

  I think it's time I take this coat off and leave it outside. It is not mine to wear anymore. It doesn't fit - it never did.

 Therefore, take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit. {Ephesians 6: 13-17}

 My meaning, my worth, my heart. They are not in earthly things. Loneliness, fear, doubt - they don't own me and I don't own them. I may feel them for a time, but I cannot keep making myself a home in them. I must ask God to let me grow and be propelled into His greatness when I feel them.

 By putting on the armor of God and seeking Him, may I stand against the days when loneliness and anxiety dare to creep in and hang up pictures of doubt and shame in me. For there is always time to walk into the peace and safety of Jesus Christ, but I have to take my coat off and leave it at the door.

Kaylee BanksComment